Monday, March 29, 2010

Discouraged and Down

Hello there everyone..

I am new to all this blogging. My best friend told me about this to help get some frustration and feelings out.. So I finally said o.k. and here I am. So I have a 2.5 year old named Lillian, her biological father and I have not been together since I was 4 weeks pregnant. She was very unexpected but very welcomed into my life. I never thought I would have a baby especially since the age 16 when they told me I couldn't have any.. So when I told Lilly's father that I was pregnant, he freaked and left. I was very heart broken and had no clue how to do this on my own. My family & friends were there but it was nothing like having the family of my own.

When I was 29 3/4 weeks with Lillian I went into labor.
I had no one, I was home alone and started bleeding out. I had to push really bad but something told me not too.. I called my mom and dad told them and they took me to the hospital. I also called my friend Megan who rushed to the hospital. When I had her they had to do an emergency c-section. I was put under to have the surgery. To find out I had a total placenta abruption with toxemia. She was in the hospitals NICU for 56 days.
Now I met my husband 2 years ago, we started dating when Lilly was about 4 months old. He is all she knows and loves him so much.. So when we got married in August of 2009 we decided we would try right away starting our family again. It has been a little over 5 months and nothing is happening.. We have been to the ob/Gyn, who told us not to do it. O.k. I guess I should mention why she doesn't want us to have anymore children. So going into this appointment we were all excited to have this done and make sure we were o.k. to have children.. Low and behold I was devastated I did not want to hear this.. I wanted the a o.k to be able to give my husband his own child.
My mother-n-law called my husband and told him my sister-n-law was pregnant again. She was due in July, she has my beautiful niece Ally. I was so upset to learn she was pregnant and we weren't.
During this time my best friend found out she was pregnant, I was a little upset. Not because she was pregnant but b/c she is my best friend and I wanted to be pregnant with her. Then she had a tragedy with her pregnancy @ 17-18 weeks along. It killed me to watch her and her husband to go through all this. I would of taken it all away if I had the power. So when I got my B.F.N I was so upset.
I was use to getting my period every month. So when My best friend told me she was pregnant again I was so upset. Let me explain, not because she was pregnant. They deserve to be, it was because my body is not working the way it is suppose to. I again was not pregnant. Then people at work told me they were pregnant the same day my bestie did. I was broken, I didn't know know what to do. I walked away and went into the bathroom and balled like a little baby.
I know you are probably saying "What I should be lucky to have my little girl." I am totally lucky to have her, she is my everyday blessing. I want to give her a sibling someone to have in the future. I come from a big family and my husband comes from a medium size family.
So I guess I wonder why GOD is punishing me. I am a great mom, I long to have another baby. I never knew I had to go to High Risk doctor's so they can refer me to a fertility doctor. I already had a child, really a fertility doctor. I am so aggravated with my self. Why do my parts not work, why can I not give my husband a baby. I know I was probably being a little selfish the other day when everyone told they were due, and I ran and hide to the bathroom to cry. That is all I wanna do when I think of babies or anyone having them.
To my best friend, I am so excited for you guys to be pregnant again. I know you guys are going to be great parents. If anyone deserves a baby, you guys do. I might not show it all the time but I am happy for you guys. To the others who told me you were pregnant, I am also happy for you. You too will be great parents..