Thursday, October 7, 2010


As I sit here on the couch, with Lilly and t.v. on to the movie powder.. I sit and conteplate everything that has happen in the 5 years.. I think to myself wow.. So for the past two months of it my period has came 6 days early and now this month 4 days early. I am really doing everything they say to do, I have no clue what else I can do.. Chad is going to go get checked to see how his spermies are doing, he is very nervous and afraid of the results. I need to know if we can not have anymore then ok I need to hear it from the dr. and not just sit here and geuss what is going on.. So last month we did it when we needed to, and now my lower back hurts, my breast are tender and i pee so much.. But yet I am spotting red not brown blood like you should be.. The sad thing is I am smart of enough to know alot about pregnancy.. If I were I would be one day shy of 4 weeks, but I guess what ever right.. I mean I do not have it in my control to do anything.. No magic wand no special words or procedures.. So I guess on a good note my daughter's bio father is not having such a great marriage.. He has cheated on her in the two years they have been together over 5 times now.. She is due November 1st and he is now saying he has no idea if it is his.. She has been with several doctor's even one that was married.. Everything that they said bad about me and Lilly is now coming around and biting them in the ass... His friends are starting to find out about Lillian, his one brother knows and seems to not care, it will come out.. This is why I have been so patient with all this.. Karma is a bitch and it will come back and bite both of them in the ass.. Any who I guess back to everything else, I really do not know How I feel about missing all these months with not getting pregnant.. I am kinda numb but I guess that is normal... So onto Christmas, I have been shopping already for Lilly and others.. I feel if I do not shop now I will not be able to get her anything she would like.. Speaking of not getting anything, We are finally moving out. Yay.. I am glad we are going to move in my parents for 6 months-1 year.. so we can save money and get a house.. To be honest I would love to have a house before another kid.. Megan's little girl will be here in 1.5 months and i can not wait to see her and meet her.. I will live vicariously through my friends little ones... So that should be all this time.. It makes me feel so good to be able to get all this out even if no one reads it..

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Not happening

Ok so This is the only place I know I can get all my feelings out.. So Again I am not pregnant, Month after month I wait patiently wait.. Nothing happens, I try to stay positive. I have been on My Synthroid again for the past three months and nothing has happened. I have however had three positive ovulation tests, and have had a period right on the dot. My husband is very relaxed and it sometimes makes me mad b/c he just thinks this baby will make it's self. It does not it needs two good ovaries, eggs that work and sperm that wanna connect with my eggs.. What is so damn wrong with me that i can not carry a baby again. I just wanna give my love a baby a child of his own.. Ok so another has been eating me up, My ex and daughter's biological father is having a baby with his wife. I do not have a problem with that but the problem I do have is the fact my daughter's middle name is Makensie. So what does he decide to name his baby girls name Kensie, a little close to My daughter's name. Matt you were never there for Lilly nor do I think you will be.. So why why decide after you find out for the second time you are having a girl to name her something so close to your 3 year old. You have never wanted anything to do with her, never cared about her well being. You can not start over, can not can not...  She is not your daughter you abandoned, left aside to be alone.. You are a little man, a coward.. I have never once even confronted you about anything.. I have never once bashed you toward anyone.. I have never said what I have wanted to say... I am waiting for the day to be able to see you face to face and be able to tell you everything... Chad is Lillian's Father, He has been there from thick and thin... You disgust me, sicken me.. To know someone like you is having another child makes me mad.. Here i am a wonderful decent person and Me and my husband can not have any or should I say having trouble conceiving.. I feel useless, worthless.. Not able to do my sole purpose of being a mother... I am broken and do not know if I can be fixed.. Everyone is having babies but not me... what ever i am done with everyone and everything.. Screw it alllllll

Thursday, July 15, 2010

How should I feel

  I as a mother am over joyed my Little girl has grown up so well.. Yes she has her moments of being a hellion but who doesn't.. I really was o.k. with not having another child, but then one night I decided to take an ovulation test.. Which was positive immediately, I was so excited I cried took several pictures and sent them to my best friend, husband, and my mother.. I couldn't believe it I Ovulated.. The one thing the doctors said I could not or was not doing.. So I kept telling my self, if I do not get pregnant this month then ok. I knew I had dropped eggs and that there is always a chance of having another baby in the future... Really hoping this month was it. but again I was wrong, It is o.k. I guess... So when My soon to be 3 year old came up to my belly and rubbed and said mommy has a happy baby in belly.. Just broke my heart and I could not help but cry.. She told my mom she wanted a brother and not a sister b/c she was the only girl and needed to stay that way lol...  Does it get better, knowing it is absolutely impossible to get pregnant for the second time..  21 days and Lilly will be three, my baby is getting so big.. I still have not had any kind of response from her biological father.. Should I even care? YES HELL YES I SHOULD CARE... How can he, No how dare he go and get his wife pregnant and be there for her.. Not for me, and his first born..  OH MY GOD...  I know I am better off with out him but he is missing out on so much with her..  The way she smiles like him, the way she loves life... Everyone says they see me in her, but I see him... I always see him, day time in my sleep.. It never goes away.. Will it ever go away.... I write her letters ever month and I can not bring my self to tell her anything.. Why as a mother do I am failing her.. I feel I am not sticking up for her toward him.. My husband loves me and her as a group.. He makes me smile and makes my life better, even if it is absolutely horrible.. I didn't know god made men like him.. Now only if I can give him something, A BABY... He deserves one of his own.. Would we do surrogacy, spending all the money for someone else to be able to feel my baby move inside.. to see it move.. To hear the heart beat first and not us.. to deliver the baby while we are there but it won't be me.. Y do I feel jipped... No graduation party, no baby shower and my wedding did not go as planned.. Should I be surprised my life is not like any ones.... I know GOD has a plan but what is it? Why will he not show me what it is... I do not get it... I feel I need help on some days, I do wonder what it would be like if I were not here.. Who would get Lilly, If Matt got her, would he love her... Be there for her if she scrapped her knee... She would have siblings... Then there are days will I will not let him get the best of me.. I need to change, If I change I will become pregnant and have a super duper life... Well I do not wanna keep rambling on and on...

Monday, March 29, 2010

Discouraged and Down

Hello there everyone..

I am new to all this blogging. My best friend told me about this to help get some frustration and feelings out.. So I finally said o.k. and here I am. So I have a 2.5 year old named Lillian, her biological father and I have not been together since I was 4 weeks pregnant. She was very unexpected but very welcomed into my life. I never thought I would have a baby especially since the age 16 when they told me I couldn't have any.. So when I told Lilly's father that I was pregnant, he freaked and left. I was very heart broken and had no clue how to do this on my own. My family & friends were there but it was nothing like having the family of my own.

When I was 29 3/4 weeks with Lillian I went into labor.
I had no one, I was home alone and started bleeding out. I had to push really bad but something told me not too.. I called my mom and dad told them and they took me to the hospital. I also called my friend Megan who rushed to the hospital. When I had her they had to do an emergency c-section. I was put under to have the surgery. To find out I had a total placenta abruption with toxemia. She was in the hospitals NICU for 56 days.
Now I met my husband 2 years ago, we started dating when Lilly was about 4 months old. He is all she knows and loves him so much.. So when we got married in August of 2009 we decided we would try right away starting our family again. It has been a little over 5 months and nothing is happening.. We have been to the ob/Gyn, who told us not to do it. O.k. I guess I should mention why she doesn't want us to have anymore children. So going into this appointment we were all excited to have this done and make sure we were o.k. to have children.. Low and behold I was devastated I did not want to hear this.. I wanted the a o.k to be able to give my husband his own child.
My mother-n-law called my husband and told him my sister-n-law was pregnant again. She was due in July, she has my beautiful niece Ally. I was so upset to learn she was pregnant and we weren't.
During this time my best friend found out she was pregnant, I was a little upset. Not because she was pregnant but b/c she is my best friend and I wanted to be pregnant with her. Then she had a tragedy with her pregnancy @ 17-18 weeks along. It killed me to watch her and her husband to go through all this. I would of taken it all away if I had the power. So when I got my B.F.N I was so upset.
I was use to getting my period every month. So when My best friend told me she was pregnant again I was so upset. Let me explain, not because she was pregnant. They deserve to be, it was because my body is not working the way it is suppose to. I again was not pregnant. Then people at work told me they were pregnant the same day my bestie did. I was broken, I didn't know know what to do. I walked away and went into the bathroom and balled like a little baby.
I know you are probably saying "What I should be lucky to have my little girl." I am totally lucky to have her, she is my everyday blessing. I want to give her a sibling someone to have in the future. I come from a big family and my husband comes from a medium size family.
So I guess I wonder why GOD is punishing me. I am a great mom, I long to have another baby. I never knew I had to go to High Risk doctor's so they can refer me to a fertility doctor. I already had a child, really a fertility doctor. I am so aggravated with my self. Why do my parts not work, why can I not give my husband a baby. I know I was probably being a little selfish the other day when everyone told they were due, and I ran and hide to the bathroom to cry. That is all I wanna do when I think of babies or anyone having them.
To my best friend, I am so excited for you guys to be pregnant again. I know you guys are going to be great parents. If anyone deserves a baby, you guys do. I might not show it all the time but I am happy for you guys. To the others who told me you were pregnant, I am also happy for you. You too will be great parents..