Sunday, August 15, 2010

Not happening

Ok so This is the only place I know I can get all my feelings out.. So Again I am not pregnant, Month after month I wait patiently wait.. Nothing happens, I try to stay positive. I have been on My Synthroid again for the past three months and nothing has happened. I have however had three positive ovulation tests, and have had a period right on the dot. My husband is very relaxed and it sometimes makes me mad b/c he just thinks this baby will make it's self. It does not it needs two good ovaries, eggs that work and sperm that wanna connect with my eggs.. What is so damn wrong with me that i can not carry a baby again. I just wanna give my love a baby a child of his own.. Ok so another has been eating me up, My ex and daughter's biological father is having a baby with his wife. I do not have a problem with that but the problem I do have is the fact my daughter's middle name is Makensie. So what does he decide to name his baby girls name Kensie, a little close to My daughter's name. Matt you were never there for Lilly nor do I think you will be.. So why why decide after you find out for the second time you are having a girl to name her something so close to your 3 year old. You have never wanted anything to do with her, never cared about her well being. You can not start over, can not can not...  She is not your daughter you abandoned, left aside to be alone.. You are a little man, a coward.. I have never once even confronted you about anything.. I have never once bashed you toward anyone.. I have never said what I have wanted to say... I am waiting for the day to be able to see you face to face and be able to tell you everything... Chad is Lillian's Father, He has been there from thick and thin... You disgust me, sicken me.. To know someone like you is having another child makes me mad.. Here i am a wonderful decent person and Me and my husband can not have any or should I say having trouble conceiving.. I feel useless, worthless.. Not able to do my sole purpose of being a mother... I am broken and do not know if I can be fixed.. Everyone is having babies but not me... what ever i am done with everyone and everything.. Screw it alllllll