Thursday, July 15, 2010

How should I feel

  I as a mother am over joyed my Little girl has grown up so well.. Yes she has her moments of being a hellion but who doesn't.. I really was o.k. with not having another child, but then one night I decided to take an ovulation test.. Which was positive immediately, I was so excited I cried took several pictures and sent them to my best friend, husband, and my mother.. I couldn't believe it I Ovulated.. The one thing the doctors said I could not or was not doing.. So I kept telling my self, if I do not get pregnant this month then ok. I knew I had dropped eggs and that there is always a chance of having another baby in the future... Really hoping this month was it. but again I was wrong, It is o.k. I guess... So when My soon to be 3 year old came up to my belly and rubbed and said mommy has a happy baby in belly.. Just broke my heart and I could not help but cry.. She told my mom she wanted a brother and not a sister b/c she was the only girl and needed to stay that way lol...  Does it get better, knowing it is absolutely impossible to get pregnant for the second time..  21 days and Lilly will be three, my baby is getting so big.. I still have not had any kind of response from her biological father.. Should I even care? YES HELL YES I SHOULD CARE... How can he, No how dare he go and get his wife pregnant and be there for her.. Not for me, and his first born..  OH MY GOD...  I know I am better off with out him but he is missing out on so much with her..  The way she smiles like him, the way she loves life... Everyone says they see me in her, but I see him... I always see him, day time in my sleep.. It never goes away.. Will it ever go away.... I write her letters ever month and I can not bring my self to tell her anything.. Why as a mother do I am failing her.. I feel I am not sticking up for her toward him.. My husband loves me and her as a group.. He makes me smile and makes my life better, even if it is absolutely horrible.. I didn't know god made men like him.. Now only if I can give him something, A BABY... He deserves one of his own.. Would we do surrogacy, spending all the money for someone else to be able to feel my baby move inside.. to see it move.. To hear the heart beat first and not us.. to deliver the baby while we are there but it won't be me.. Y do I feel jipped... No graduation party, no baby shower and my wedding did not go as planned.. Should I be surprised my life is not like any ones.... I know GOD has a plan but what is it? Why will he not show me what it is... I do not get it... I feel I need help on some days, I do wonder what it would be like if I were not here.. Who would get Lilly, If Matt got her, would he love her... Be there for her if she scrapped her knee... She would have siblings... Then there are days will I will not let him get the best of me.. I need to change, If I change I will become pregnant and have a super duper life... Well I do not wanna keep rambling on and on...

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